In part two of my pregnancy + miscarriage series, I blogged before my ultrasound, and I blogged after finding out I miscarried. I will have a part 3 & possibly a part 4!
Week 7
I get to meet my little baby, via screen!
This week I will get my first ultrasound done. I am so excited, and so nervous. I really feel like I am having twins because of how fast my belly grew, but we will see. It’s probably just one baby, & I’m just overly excited and extra.
The first ultrasound is normally done vaginally due to the baby being so small, and it’s the best way to get the right view. I decided to wear this cute dress from pretty little things, its super comfy. I also wanted to wear a dress, so I didn’t have to fully undress for the ultrasound.
I’m so sad that my husband won’t be able to experience this ultrasound with me, so I purchased some items off amazon to get it all the details on camera. He was at most of Blaise’s appointments, and present for every single ultrasound. Due to COVID-19 all the hospitals changed their visiting policy/policies to prevent the spread of the virus. I felt like Benz will feel excluded from this pregnancy due to the new policies, so I will plan a 3-D ultrasound so he and Blaise can both meet the baby and feel some type of connection. ✨
Things I purchased for my ultrasound:
I purchased a tripod for my phone and GoPro. I wanted to share every moment with my husband, and I plan to Vlog about this experience as well. I really want to start a youtube channel, but I have no idea what to vlog/talk about.
On the way to Womans Hospital
I was so happy to go to this appointment. I dressed semi cute and put a little makeup on. I wanted to look pretty since I was documenting the journey on camera. Because I was Trying to get all cute, it caused me to be late. We live an hour away from my doctor’s office, but I love my doctor, and trust her 1000%. So, she is worth the drive.
Benz fussed the whole drive there—because he does NOT like being late, and I was yelling at him to drive faster because I was already late. We finally made it to the appointment 30 minutes late. I was anxious and excited. I couldn’t wait to see if I was having one baby or two babies, and I couldn’t wait to hear the heartbeat and see the little nugget.
THE ULTRASOUND
I had to wait in the waiting area for about 10 minutes. I walked to the back, the ultrasound technician instructed me to undress and empty my bladder because the ultrasound is done vaginally. I had my equipment ready, but the ultrasound tech explained that cameras or phones are not allowed, and videos are strictly prohibited in the ultrasound department. (Benz told me this, because he tried to record during Blaise ultrasound. But I thought I would be able to due to him not being able to come in. He was right as usual.) My heart was crushed. But the tech told me that she would be able to make videos of the ultrasound and save the clips to a disc. So, I was happy again.
Before she started the ultrasound, I asked her if I was having twins, would it show today on the screen. & her response was “we will see”.
Soon as she started the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. My heart was so heavy when I saw a huge black screen. I said, “I just emptied my bladder; it shouldn’t be that full.” Then I looked back at the screen with tears in my eyes. I had so many thoughts running through my head. When the tech started to get quiet, I realized that it wasn’t my bladder it was the gestational sac. When I didn’t see my baby my heart dropped, it felt like my whole world was spinning. My eyes quickly got watery, but I tried so hard to hold in all my emotions. Then she started taking pictures of my ovaries, I felt like she was making up stuff to look at. I just felt so sad and lost. She asked me so many times “when my last period was, if I’d had any bleeding, and could my dates be wrong”. I was positive that my dates weren’t wrong, and I informed her did have cramps, but no bleeding. I told her I assumed the cramps were normal because I didn’t even spot. The tech couldn’t tell me anything at all, she was only allowed to say, the doctor will discuss your results. I knew that line so well, it’s what I told my patients family members when I had bad news. The tech did tell me that I was measuring 6 weeks, according to my dates I was supposed to be 7 weeks, but that didn’t give me any hope, because even at 6 weeks, the baby should be present and a fetal heart tone should be heard as well.
I called my husband soon as the tech walked out the room for me to get undressed. He was so confused, and had a million questions that I couldn’t answer. I also couldn’t deal with the questions because my heart was broken into a million pieces.
After the ultrasound, I went to my appointment to see my OB. I spoke to my OB, she validated what was on the ultrasound. She explained that It was no baby/fetus present, and no heart tones. Which I figured out about 3 seconds into the ultrasound. She wanted to ensure that my dates weren’t wrong. So, she ordered an ultrasound in a week and an appointment to see me in a week. I asked her what happens if my baby is still not there after a week because my brain can’t handle the unknown. I wanted to know what my options were. She briefly told me I had two optons: 1. take medicine or 2. have a procedure done to remove the sac.
Week 7 after the ultrasound
This was one of the worst weeks of my life. I can’t even explain how depressed I was. I couldn’t even get out of bed. Let me just say that God work in mysterious ways, even though I was so low, he had things lined up to keep my head above water. The same week I found out I was possibly miscarrying: 1. my mom was in town visiting, 2. I had flower school to attend with my best friends, and 3. I was supposed to be on vacation so I had the rest of the week off. I end up having to call in a couple days because I was so depressed and literally could not stop crying.
One day I was so sad, I only got out of bed to pee. I couldn’t eat, I honestly could not even function. When I say, I am broken. I am broken, broken in the worst way possible. I cant even put into words the pain I feel. I laid in the room the whole day and cried. I could barely function. After doing that for about 4 days straight, I decided that I had to try to do something. I got of bed at 3pm literally to go buy a (new bible). It was my first time doing anything since the ultrasound. This same day my best friend Keyanna came to visit, she brought me flowers, and a candle. It really meant a lot. Lord knows, I needed to get out of bed and laugh for a few hours.
Dealing with emotions after finding out about miscarrying
Every time I see an ultrasound, a baby, a baby bump, baby clothes I am triggered. I own a baby essential business, and I couldn’t even look at my own inventory. I wanted nothing to do with it. My heart drops & my eyes instantly are weighed down with tears. The thought of not being pregnant was so hard for me. I wanted this baby so bad, I loved the baby so much already. In my heart God gave me this baby. He told me I was pregnant the same night. I was so confused on why this was happening. I’ve never imagined being in love with a baby that never really existed. Although I never heard the heartbeat, I never seen the baby, my body was in tune with this pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant since day one—so I was in love soon as I found about my baby.
When God whispered that I was pregnant, and it was a boy—I was shocked, but I didn’t doubt it. My husband thought I was crazy, but I knew I wasn’t crazy. When I got the positive pregnancy test, it just confirmed what God had already told me. But what I didn’t know, was my sweet baby might not be born, “Bebe—is what I called him”. Although it hurts my soul that this pregnancy could end in a miscarriage, it has opened my eyes. I never realized how painful a miscarriage truly is. My heart is broken for all the women that experienced a loss like this, and its broken for all the women that will experience this. It hurts your soul in a way that you’ll never imagine. And the worst part, women do not talk about it. The worst part about this whole experience is that I was so naïve to what women felt about a miscarriage. I always thought losing your baby before 3 months probably doesn’t hurt that bad because you can’t feel the baby move. I can tell you; I ate my words up. It hurt. I was pregnant for 7 weeks and could be miscarrying. I am here to tell you; the pain is unbearable. No one understand unless they’ve experienced this. My husband couldn’t understand. He was sad and disappointed. But he doesn’t feel 1% of the pain that I am experiencing. This was different for me. I’ve never been through anything like this before.
My miscarriage really isn’t confirmed but from my nursing education, and my heart is telling that it is really a miscarriage. During this week, I tried to be positive and have faith. But all the faith and positivity was out the door. I tried to think of positive things, but it wasn’t logical to me. My brain couldn’t even try to think any good thoughts.
But this week, I learned to cry to God. Probably the most pitiful cry you’ve ever heard in your life. It helped, a lot.
If you are experiencing this, or have experienced this: I wanted to share the verses in the Bible that spoke to me the most!
I read my bible, and it gave me peace, and it gave me hope that I will be okay after the loss of my baby.
Normally, when I read my bible, I start with the book of Matthew, mainly because my pastor suggested it. I love the book of Matthew. When I read it, I learn something new each time. But I decided I wanted to try something new, because this is a new type of broken. I searched the internet, and it suggested 4 books: Luke, Matthew, and two others. I can’t remember the others.
I started with the Luke because of the quote my new bible summarized about the chapter.
Here’s the quote: For the son of man has come to SEEK & SAVE the LOST. That resonated with me, because in this moment, I was so lost.
I read Luke Chapter 1. I started making notes about the chapter. The verses 5-25 gave me so much peace.
The following verses are the ones that stood out to me:
Luke 1:13 The angel said to him: “ Don’t be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John.”
Luke 1: 18-20 Zechariah asked the angel, “How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.” The angel said to him, “ I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God and I have been sent to speak to you and tell you the good news. And now you will be silent and not be able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time.”
Luke 1: 24-25 After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for five months remained in seclusion. “The Lord has done this for me,” she said. “In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people.”
These verses gave me peace that what God said is true. Although I might not be giving birth to a baby boy this time, it will happen because God said it would. Elizabeth reminded me “That the Lord gave her a child”.
It instantly made me think of God’s promises, and I immediately thought about a rainbow. & that alone gave me so much hope. God promises are always true, and in the verse, it says that God’s words will come true at their appointed time. I had to accept that it might not be the time that God wanted me to bring a child into this world. I didn’t know why God might take my baby. But I knew I had to trust him and be okay with the process. I know that one day he will reveal the reason that we weren’t able to conceive this child.
During this time of my brokeness, I was able to be more open with people—this is new for me. I normally keep my emotions bottled up. But this experience couldn’t be held in. Now looking back, I know that this was God’s plan. I spoke to at least 2 of my friends that had the same experience as I. My friends knew exactly what I was going through, they even sent me bible verses to lift me up. It was needed and appreciated.
But this pregnancy helped me to trust God more and be more of an open book. It helped me trust that God’s word is true, even when it hurts. God has the final say, and God has a plan. Although I don’t understand the why, I trust you Lord. I know God’s plan is bigger than any plan that I can even imagine for my life. God’s plans are best, and I needed to know that.